Because, in the end, aren't we all just doing this because it is fun?

Oh triathlon...why can't I quit you? What is it about you that is addictive, joyful and disappointing?

This Sunday I will be competing in the California International triathlon in Pleasanton. Some interesting facts: the last time I did this distance (.9 mile swim, 25 mile bike, 6.2 mile run) was 3 years ago at the Silicon Valley Triathlon; I will be swimming this Sunday in the same exact lake where I did my VERY first triathlon four years ago. FOUR YEARS. Thank goodness I have a blog as a record of (most) of those four years. Otherwise, events may get all blurry.

I remember that triathlon. I had no idea about racking your bike and transitions and race etiquette. I remember thinking that the swim would be fine, because I swam laps all the time as a kid. But then when the race started and there were legs and arms coming at me in all directions, I was like, "Wait...what? What the heck is this, because this doesn't seem like swimming to me." The bike was ok. I had only had my very first road bike for a month, so it was still new to me. Then the run. I laced up my shoes exited the transition and was like, "Huh? What's wrong with these legs? Why does it feel like I am running in sand?" I finished the race feeling totally bewildered by the torture I put my body through in something called a "tri for fun."

So, of course I was hooked.

I was so hooked I signed up for another triathlon a month later. An Olympic triathlon. Roughly twice the distance of the sprint triathlon I did. And it was in the ocean. The OCEAN. But I did it and had a blast.

Fast forward to almost four years later. Last week to be exact. I was on the track Tuesday night with my awesome workout group for our monthly two mile test.

And I was crying.

Yes, I said it. Crying.

Brace yourself, because this is going to start getting real.

Ok, maybe not that extreme. I was actually inspired to write this after reading another tri-person's blog today where it seemed like she was having similar issues.

Sooooo. Back to the tears. The initial issue was my feet and the blisters from the dip and dash. Plus, my sunscreen got in my eyes. So, I ran the first mile at an ok pace, but my feet and eyes were burning. I turned my watch off and told my coach that my feet hurt and I was done. She looked at me, smiled and said, "Go finish." I said, "My FEEEEEET HURRRRRT." She smiled, "Run slower."

So I kept running, because when coach tells you to do something you do it. After 3+ years with her, the trust is definitely there.

Except.

My feet hurt.

And sunscreen was burning my eyes.

And, my legs were tired from the run on the dip and dash.

And then, internally, I kind of started to lose it. Kind of like this.

I wasn't mad about my feet or my eyes. It was more that I was dragging on the run. And that it is 6 weeks to Big Kahuna and my training? Yeah...not exactly happening. I kept saying to myself, "Why am I here again?"

Basically, lots of little things kind of built up over the past 5 months that made it a little too easy to cut myself some slack on the training. But then Tuesday track workout came and it looked like I was going to run two miles slower than the first test back in February. After one and a half miles I could tell I was going to lose it. And I thought to myself, "I could get in my car right now. I could quit this workout group. Why am I here? This is pointless. There is limited free time in the world and I am spending it doing something that is possibly going to make me cry?"

I told you. It's getting real.

So I begrudgingly finished my 2 miles.

Coach cheered me on.

And, then she came up to me to chat.

And the waterworks started.

I don't even know what the tears were about. I just didn't know what my problem was. Why couldn't I integrate my training workouts into the rest of my life so I could have solid race results? There are people out there with real - non-triathlon-related - problems. There are amazing women I know who can "Do it all" meaning job, families, training and I just...couldn't. Wouldn't?

Coach let me cry. (I call it my "biggest loser" moment. Meaning, if the workout was an episode of biggest loser, that week's episode would have focused on me, my breakdown and before the commerical break there will be scenes of me losing it and a voice over narrator saying, "is this the last week for Jill?") She talked me through it in the most perfect coach way. She told me to have patience with myself. And that my breakdown wasn't about tri training.

And I knew that. So, she let me acknowledge that I may have overbooked myself. I need to find the balance, and my version of "doing it all" is different from other people's. And maybe it is ok to not be able to "do it all."

When I discovered triathlon 4 years ago, it was probably (OK, definitely) because I knew I needed something. It became abundantly clear that the industry I was in was crashing and burning (see: subprime mortgage meltdown, 2007), and triathlon gave me a sense of purpose and control that I was craving. Now, ironically, triathlon was making me feel out of control.

So, I am going to cut myself some slack and figure out what I am doing. And really, the truth is I registerred for a half ironman triathlon (which I have done before) and a 3.6 mile open water swim (which i have never done before) within weeks of each other. And, perhaps that was not the wisest idea.

So, I have some thinking to do. And I know I will make the right choice.

Because, in the end, aren't we all just doing this because it is fun?

Dip Dashing Away...

Yesterday was the inaugural Dip and Dash event in Santa Cruz. It was a 750 yard swim at Cowell's Beach followed by a 4 mile run. And, guess what? Yours truly got 2nd Place in my Age Group. Though, truth be told, there were only two people in my age group. But I will TAKE it. Yeah baby!

Anyways, I don't really have a huge race report for this one. But here are some tidbits and random thoughts:

1. Because it was a small race, they didn't order t-shirts. Some people have beef with this. For the most part, I am pretty ambivalent about race t-shirts. The mermaid events have the best t-shirts, with nike 1/2 marathon coming in at 2nd. Realistically, I will probably be selling my race t-shirts at a garage sale for 5 for a quarter. Plus, the race organizers gave away water bottles in the goodie bags. This is way more beneficial to me seeing as I have probably lost 20 water bottles in three years. It has gotten to the point where my husband has a secret stash of water bottles so I can't lose his. For some reason I lose socks, water bottles, and sunglasses.

2. I swam in the ocean without panicking (much). I think my issue is the cold water and trying to breathe. I need to make it a point to spend time in the water 15 minutes before a race to acclimate better. But when I first jumped in my breathing was out of control and I started getting that familiar panicky feeling of "I need to get outta here NOW." But I somehow managed to push through it.

3. For some reason I thought a 4 mile run would be a great opportunity to try running without socks. Um, blister city, population: my feet. My run was brutal because my feet were on fire. DUMB DUMB DUMB.

4. This is going to sound silly, but, during the race we were running on the sidewalk so people were watching us run. I overheard one woman say to another, "There must be some sort of marathon going on." It just really bugs me when people just think a marathon is ANY distance. IT'S NOT. And people, a TRIATHLON involves (a majority of the time) SWIMMING. There are have been quite a few times where I tell people, "I did a triathlon in Santa Cruz." And then they are shocked when I say there was swimming. I don't know why it bugs me, but it does.

5. Post Race Festivities: Bloody Mary's at Ideal Cafe for Brunch and a ride on the Big Dipper. Just awesome.

6. Also, I think more events need to be on Saturdays. It is just kind of a bummer to go back to the real world the next day.

7. On Saturday, I put a race day countdown app on my Facebook page. Is it really 55 days till Big Kahuna? Seriously?

Next on the agenda: Splash and Dash 1 mile swim on Sunday at Uvas. Then in a week, it is a (gulp) Olympic Distance Triathlon.

"This (expletive) is Just Mean."

Oh, Splash and Dash...will you ever get easier?

Thursday was the summer's #2 Splash and Dash, and we actually had REAL summer weather this time. What a concept!

Some interesting stuff happened since the last Splash and Dash in June: I did a tri, we went on vacation, we got a kitten, hubby crashed his motorcycle and had shoulder and hand surgery. Training was going fairly well until that last thing happened. But, life happens and I am so thankful that is all he hurt. Of course, I can't get all indignant and tell him, "You sell that motorcycle NOW" because from time to time I do crazy things like long bike rides, wacky swims, or signing up for events where I don't train. So, yeah I can't get all high and mighty.

I was all set to get to the event on time as the parking can be a little funky. As I was walking to my car from work I got a call from hubby, "Kitten is sick, She has some eye thing. We gotta take her to the vet." Which translates to "you gotta take her to the vet" since he only has one working arm right now. So, I tried not to get annoyed (it has been one of those kinds of weeks where the stress seeps out of my pores) and called the vet to see if they could take me that night. Splash and Dash 2: Revenge of the Splash was looking like it wouldn't happen. Unfortunately, they couldn't take her until Friday morning. My tone with them got all mama bear (cat?) as I said, "But she's a KITTEN. Wil she be ok?" the receptionist said, "Well, is she lethargic?" I looked down at the latest scratches on my arm from when she pounced on me, "Um, no." "Loss of appetite?" Hah! She wolfs down her wet food like it's crack. "She should be fine." So, I got clearance to splash and dash!

My focus on this event was the swim. I just need to swim straigher. If I can do that,I think my times will improve. I really focused on my breathing, my stroke, trying to catch other people's drafts, and actually swimming towards the buoy. One of the buoy's was impossible to see as it was right in line with the sun. but, my swim was MUCH better than last. Almost 6 minutes faster to be precise! Though I must say, after the first lap I started panicking a little at the fact that in 3 months I would be doing a 3.6 mile swim. That seems, like, really hard.

The run...well, that wasn't so great. As I headed out on the trail, my calves started cramping big time from the swim. It felt like I had a tennis ball under my skin that was trying to burst out. I was doing ok until the first major hill, and then my energy depleted. My legs were not going as fast as I wanted.Ttowards the end there is a mother of a hill (just seems like a big wall to climb) and this guy passed me shouting, "This sh** is just mean." Amen brother. I did the run 3 minutes slower. Oh well. But, the mermaids were there again in full force, coach Heidi was announcing, and you just can't beat how awesome it is to hear them cheering me on at the finish line. And I am ready for victory at Splash and Dash 3: the Demonic Dash in a month.

That's it for now. Gotta lure a kitten into her carrier and take her to the vet now. Good times.