Because, in the end, aren't we all just doing this because it is fun?

Oh triathlon...why can't I quit you? What is it about you that is addictive, joyful and disappointing?

This Sunday I will be competing in the California International triathlon in Pleasanton. Some interesting facts: the last time I did this distance (.9 mile swim, 25 mile bike, 6.2 mile run) was 3 years ago at the Silicon Valley Triathlon; I will be swimming this Sunday in the same exact lake where I did my VERY first triathlon four years ago. FOUR YEARS. Thank goodness I have a blog as a record of (most) of those four years. Otherwise, events may get all blurry.

I remember that triathlon. I had no idea about racking your bike and transitions and race etiquette. I remember thinking that the swim would be fine, because I swam laps all the time as a kid. But then when the race started and there were legs and arms coming at me in all directions, I was like, "Wait...what? What the heck is this, because this doesn't seem like swimming to me." The bike was ok. I had only had my very first road bike for a month, so it was still new to me. Then the run. I laced up my shoes exited the transition and was like, "Huh? What's wrong with these legs? Why does it feel like I am running in sand?" I finished the race feeling totally bewildered by the torture I put my body through in something called a "tri for fun."

So, of course I was hooked.

I was so hooked I signed up for another triathlon a month later. An Olympic triathlon. Roughly twice the distance of the sprint triathlon I did. And it was in the ocean. The OCEAN. But I did it and had a blast.

Fast forward to almost four years later. Last week to be exact. I was on the track Tuesday night with my awesome workout group for our monthly two mile test.

And I was crying.

Yes, I said it. Crying.

Brace yourself, because this is going to start getting real.

Ok, maybe not that extreme. I was actually inspired to write this after reading another tri-person's blog today where it seemed like she was having similar issues.

Sooooo. Back to the tears. The initial issue was my feet and the blisters from the dip and dash. Plus, my sunscreen got in my eyes. So, I ran the first mile at an ok pace, but my feet and eyes were burning. I turned my watch off and told my coach that my feet hurt and I was done. She looked at me, smiled and said, "Go finish." I said, "My FEEEEEET HURRRRRT." She smiled, "Run slower."

So I kept running, because when coach tells you to do something you do it. After 3+ years with her, the trust is definitely there.

Except.

My feet hurt.

And sunscreen was burning my eyes.

And, my legs were tired from the run on the dip and dash.

And then, internally, I kind of started to lose it. Kind of like this.

I wasn't mad about my feet or my eyes. It was more that I was dragging on the run. And that it is 6 weeks to Big Kahuna and my training? Yeah...not exactly happening. I kept saying to myself, "Why am I here again?"

Basically, lots of little things kind of built up over the past 5 months that made it a little too easy to cut myself some slack on the training. But then Tuesday track workout came and it looked like I was going to run two miles slower than the first test back in February. After one and a half miles I could tell I was going to lose it. And I thought to myself, "I could get in my car right now. I could quit this workout group. Why am I here? This is pointless. There is limited free time in the world and I am spending it doing something that is possibly going to make me cry?"

I told you. It's getting real.

So I begrudgingly finished my 2 miles.

Coach cheered me on.

And, then she came up to me to chat.

And the waterworks started.

I don't even know what the tears were about. I just didn't know what my problem was. Why couldn't I integrate my training workouts into the rest of my life so I could have solid race results? There are people out there with real - non-triathlon-related - problems. There are amazing women I know who can "Do it all" meaning job, families, training and I just...couldn't. Wouldn't?

Coach let me cry. (I call it my "biggest loser" moment. Meaning, if the workout was an episode of biggest loser, that week's episode would have focused on me, my breakdown and before the commerical break there will be scenes of me losing it and a voice over narrator saying, "is this the last week for Jill?") She talked me through it in the most perfect coach way. She told me to have patience with myself. And that my breakdown wasn't about tri training.

And I knew that. So, she let me acknowledge that I may have overbooked myself. I need to find the balance, and my version of "doing it all" is different from other people's. And maybe it is ok to not be able to "do it all."

When I discovered triathlon 4 years ago, it was probably (OK, definitely) because I knew I needed something. It became abundantly clear that the industry I was in was crashing and burning (see: subprime mortgage meltdown, 2007), and triathlon gave me a sense of purpose and control that I was craving. Now, ironically, triathlon was making me feel out of control.

So, I am going to cut myself some slack and figure out what I am doing. And really, the truth is I registerred for a half ironman triathlon (which I have done before) and a 3.6 mile open water swim (which i have never done before) within weeks of each other. And, perhaps that was not the wisest idea.

So, I have some thinking to do. And I know I will make the right choice.

Because, in the end, aren't we all just doing this because it is fun?