We are getting close to the end of the year which means top 10 lists, New year’s Resolutions, overindulging and all that jazz. Because I am feeling the holiday spirit, I thought I would take a stab at writing a Holiday-themed post. And I present to you:
A Slacker Triathlete’s Christmas Carol.
We start our story with a (not so) young lady named Ji---er… let’s call her Diva. Diva had a case of the Scrooges this year. She had a pretty blah racing season despite finishing her second half-ironman and completing a 3.6 mile swim race. She had almost had a panic attack in an ocean swim in March, barely rode her cute pink bike, and discovered how totally unbendy she was by taking yoga. She didn’t feel like she was getting faster or stronger even though she placed in a couple races (it helped there were only 2-3 people in her age group for those races). Something was missing this year. And there was a dark cloud ominously hanging over her head in the ominous way dark clouds can hang.
Her friends tried to cheer her up by inviting her to ocean swims to which she would reply “Bah humsharks! Bah cold water!” and then do her best imitation of a 15-year-old boy by eating junk food and playing video games all day when she should be working out.
On a particularly dark and late night on the eve eve eve of Christmas she took a break from the Legend of Zelda and checked her e-mail, mainly to give her Wii-ed out hands some rest. She was visited by the Ghost of Slacker Triathlete’s Past. This being 2011, ghosts are way high tech and now can communicate via e-mail, Facebook and Twitter. She clicked “open” on the e-mail (cue scary music):
“Hey Ji---oops I mean, Diva,
Remember the Long Course?
We just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that the AVIA Wildflower Triathlon is turning 30. Mark your calendar and plan your training accordingly. We invite you to revisit your favorite course, connect with old friends and remember why Wildflower is known as “The One and Only.”
Diva shuddered at the memory of this race that was one of her biggest race failures, not to mention a totally disgusting sunburn. This was the 2nd time Diva did not finish a ½ ironman and the first time she cried at a race (and these were soul shaking tears, not tears of joy). Why did she sign up for that race? Why didn’t she train? What happened to the Diva-dominator from 2008 who finished strong and, well finished PERIOD? What had she become?
The Ghost of Slacker Triathlete’s Past sent her an IM (remember, they are totally hooked into the technology. That way they can haunt multiple people a night. In these challenging economic times, ghosts have to be as efficient as possible otherwise they risk being replaced by a younger faster ghost.) that read:
“Learn from this DNF. You need to train. Consistently. And ride your bike more. Like, a lot more. Or you will repeat this failure again…and again…and again. TTYL.”
Diva was scared. So scared it took her an hour to recover and get back to her Zelda game. Diva was no dummy, she knew the Ghost of Slacker Triathlete’s Present was going to make a cameo appearance…it was just a matter of when.
She went to bed. She was in a deep sleep dreaming wonderful dreams when she was violently woken up by a needle being jammed in her brow.
“OWWWW!” Diva screamed, “What the---?”
The moonlight was poking through her window casting a light on some unrecognizable figure.
“Who are you? “ She asked “Are you a ghost?” She observed the expensive highlighted blonde hair and strangely bloated and contorted face, “You look…kind of human.”
The figure spoke, “Oh, I was a human. And then I sold my soul to be on the Real Housewives…can you hold still so I can finish up this Botox?”
Diva jerked back. “No thanks! I will pass on the botchilism tonight. But why are you here? I was expecting , you know, a ghost of the present yadda yadda…”
The Housewife rolled her eyes, or at least did her best to roll her eyes through facial paralysis. “Duh, that’s why I am here.”
“Oh my gawd,” Diva gasped. “Am I going to be a Real Housewife? I really don’t think hair extensions would work on me…and I can’t have a teeny dog. I am a cat person.”
“Shut your mouth. Sheesh. Like Bravo would ever take YOU. I am here to show you what your present has been: watching reruns of the Real Housewives or playing video games when you really should be thinking about your training plans and um….when was the last time you worked that core?”
“In my defense,” Diva said, “I don’t watch the Atlanta Housewives.”
“Whatever. Listen, I love it that you are like totally addicted to us, because I mean seriously, look at me. I am amazing. But if you want to have a good racing year at least get on the bike trainer while you watch or watch AFTER you workout. And brush your teeth before so you aren’t tempted for late night snacking. Ok?”
Diva shook her head “yes.”
“Awesome,” said the housewife, “I gotta jam now. I gotta go throw a table at someone or buy $25,000 sunglasses or try and get my own series. I can’t remember which one---too many SkinnyGirl cosmos I guess.”
“Before you go,” Diva pleaded, “Can you tell me how scary the Ghost of Slacker Triathlete Future is.”
“Oh yeah,” The Housewife said. “Him. Apparently future ghosts are super expensive so they tried outsourcing them but I guess there were lots of complaints because it just wasn’t the same. People would get all freaked out seeing their futures and it didn’t help having someone on the phone reading a script saying things like, “it sounds like you are scared. I do not know how to process this. Let me escalate that. For reference your job ticket number for this call is ‘42178 This ticket is now closed.”
“So, no ghost?”
“Nah, the CEO decided that in this day and age people can and should figure out their future themselves. OK…I am super bored now. Later.”
And poof! The spirit was gone leaving only a mist of airbrush tanning solution falling in droplets to the ground.
The next day Diva woke up, still freaked out by the siliconed encounter from the night before. Though the Housewife was vapid, mean, and maybe a little drunk, something she said resonated with Diva:
“In this day and age people can and should figure out their future themselves.”
Diva thought about this. She could either relive the past, train sporadically, and have horrible races OR she could figure out how to get back on track. Perhaps she could find her drive and motivation again and having a successful race.
So…Diva wil figure out all that stuff…just not now…AFTER the holidays…
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