The other day Dennis and I were chilling on the couch, drinking coffee and entertaining ourselves (me: watching "My Life on the D-List"; him : reading the news on his laptop). He chuckled out loud and I paused the show to ask him what was so funny.
"Well, I am reading this article from the New York Times ----hey I am not going to finish the story if you keep rolling your eyes."
I couldn't help the roll. I love to tease him about when he quotes NPR or the New York Times because if it came from anyone else besides him, it would seem undeniably pretentious. Luckily, he is the smartest person I know so I can cut him some slack. It is cool though because I often quote US Weekly. We balance each other out.
"Sorry," I said, "Continue."
"Well, the writer of the article discussed how 'narcissist' is the new buzzword and everyone is all self-absorbed with Facebooks, MySpace, blogs. The author believes they really they aren't being narcissistic, they are just being jerks."
"Heh heh," I said weakly, "Funny."
As I thought about blog posts, uploading race photos to MySpace and how I talk about my triathlon training with everyone I run into, I started to wonder something: "Have I become narcissistic?" Or worse: "Am I a jerk?"
I think back on the past couple of years and, to quote Bobby Darrin, I'm beginning to see the light.
I am living in this little bubble where I think everything is about me and that people should revolve their lives around my actions. Plus, I think I have developed a bit of a chip on my shoulder and have a low tolerance for other people's actions. I tend to get worked up when someone cuts me off on the freeway, drives in the bike lane while I am in it, doesn't move on the trail when I shout "On your freakin' left!" I get irritated when people stand too close to me in Starbucks, I shudder when people bring children to restaurants and they start screaming. I can feel the stress working its way into my body and it doesn't really create sustainable energy (i.e. "that driver just flipped me off and I am so angry at him right now that when I get home I am going to take a nice long run." That doesn't happen. Usually I marinate in the anger and complain to Dennis about it.)
I think most of all I need to be more accepting of people who aren't used to cyclists or runners. if someone doesn't make room for me, I shouldn't scowl at them. What is that going to prove?
Last week my friend Jen and I went to Baskin Robbins for ice cream. We were enjoying our treats outside and saw this lady walking toward a car in the parking lot. She got really upset that someone had left their dog in the car with the windows rolled up. In fact, she got so upset that she went into Baskin Robbins and demanded to know who owned the car. She then yelled at the woman who owned the car about how she needs to roll the window down so the dog had air. She then got super worked up and continued to rip the lady a new one by talking about animal cruelty and then proceeded to use a ridiculous amount of obscenities. The owner of the car went outside to roll the windows down and the woman said to her in a very sarcastic tone: "Thank you very much for rolling down your windows. Thank you." And then she got a crazy look in her eye as the soccer mom went back into Baskin Robbins, "What? What are you looking at? Do you want to take a go at it?"
Meanwhile Jen and I were silent, avoiding any eye contact with the crazy lady. The crazy lady's friend finally convinced her to leave, and when it was safe I turned to Jen and said, "Um, I seriously thought this was going to turn into an episode of Cops."
Jen laughed and said, "It's nice to know that she is concerned about the well being of someone else's dog yet doesn't care about dropping F bombs in front of her daughter." Oh yeah, the crazy lady had her own 8 year old daughter with her as well. Classy.
"Do you think if I talked to her about that, she would laugh about the irony of the situation or she would try to kick my butt? "
"Probably kick your butt," Jen said.
"Hmmm...your right." I thought about it, "Do you think I could take her? I have never gotten into a physical fight before. I mean, if it came down to a self defense situation---I bet I could probably get down and dirty. I wouldn't be able to throw a punch, but maybe throw some kicks in or pull hair and scratch."
"You may have a bit of a chance," Jen said, "You have been working out a lot lately. I think my strategy would be to ask her 'What's one plus one?' and when she stops to think about it---bam! I kick her in the shins and run away."
We laughed into our ice creams and started talking about The Real World from the early 90s versus the skanky Real World now
Now that I think about it, what separates me from this crazy lady? When someone doesn't make room for me on a trail or on Foothill Expressway, I give them the dirtiest look or a gesture that says, "Thanks a lot,jerk wad." The crazy lady's approach to get the woman wasn't the most effective way to go about the situation. She could have calmly told the woman that it appears she may have forgotten to roll her windows down and the dog probably needs some fresh air. Then the woman would have said, "Oh my goodness! I can't believe that, thank you so much for your consideration." Instead, the woman was threatened by the crazy lady and probably was thinking, "Dang, I wish I didn't leave my pepper spray in the car with the dog." Maybe I need to be more like a rational human being and less like the crazy lady.
The evening after the NY Times conversation, Dennis and I were at a restaurant having dinner and I shared my revelation with him.
" I decided something today."
"What's that?" He asked before taking a sip of his Mojito.
"I decided I am not going to get annoyed by stupid people anymore."
After he almost snorted out mojito because of his laughter he said, "Come again?"
I shrugged, "I don't know. I feel like lately I have become more cynical and less tolerant of people. Like what good does it do to get worked up over someone who takes up the whole aisle of the pasta aisle in Safeway with their cart? Maybe they are cooking this great dinner to meet their future in-laws and they are stressed about the cooking. I need to be more tolerant of other people's journeys."
"Your not going to go back to your hippie ways, are you?"
"No way---I am totally going to keep showering and won't be listening to The Dead or anything. Well, I just feel that me grunting my annoyance or rolling my eyes isn't going to solve anything. It is not going to make people feel better about cyclists when we flip them off if they cut us off. I think I need to be friendlier to people when they aren't considerate. I think a smile and a 'excuse me, on your left' may be a good start. It is amazing how much more receptive people are to a smile than a scowl."
"This is true."
"So, from now on I am just going to let go of my anger and focus my energy elsewhere. I want to be a nice person again."
"Sounds like a very good goal. Now can we get the check and go see Batman?"
I agree and think that going to see the movie at the mall is a great place to test out being more tolerant of people. Usually the mall is filled with zombies dazed by all the products marketed to them. The trip to the mall went well, I smiled at people, said excuse me and noticed something interesting. If I go into a situation with a positive attitude, chances are I will I come out of it with the same positive attitude.
It has been three days and Optimism is beating Cynicism in the fight for my outlook on life. And actually, it makes driving not as annoying when I don't brace myself for people being stupid.
Now I just have to figure out how to make this positive thinking work for my triathlon training...
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