that feeling of doubt...

"What the heck am I doing here?"



That is what is going through my mind every time I race. No matter how well I trained/ate/slept/caffeinated, this thought floats in through my subconcious.



I am sure if I met a version of my 20 year old self, I am sure she would say, "What the heck are you doing?" I couldn't even run a mile at 20. I couldn't even get out of bed before 10 on a weekend day, let alone get up at 5 a.m. to jump in a disgusting lake.



But here I am, completely addicted to the feeling of completing a race. After a race I feel euphoric, but before a race I feel nervous and--worse---inadequate.





As I waited by the shore at Almaden Lake at last week's triathlon, my insecurities rushed over me. Even though I have aquite a few events under my race belt, I still feel like an outsider. I am sure compared to the average joe out there, I am fairly athletic. But surrounded by all these amazing physical specimens kinda humbles a gal.



I blame the tri clothing. It is the most unflattering to normal 31 year-old bodies like mine. I am not kidding myself thinking I am a supermodel, but I wish I didn't feel quite so hideous sucked into all that spandex. I wear the tri bike shorts and a tight fitting top, and these pro's are surrounding me in in similar outfits and I think, " So that is what you are supposed to look like."



Don't get me started on the wetsuit. Once I manage to pull that thing on and shove my curls into a swim cap, I don't feel like an athlete. I feel like a condom.



Another thing that is humbling is being passed by people in older age groups. Whenever someone passes me I always check out the age bodymarked on their rippling calf. These 45 year-old women are rock stars and have amazing bodies. Why can't I be like them? Why is this starting to feel like middle school gym class all over again? Why can't I have a body that is jiggle free and have a nice bobbing ponytail when I run?

How did this happen? How did I get excited about signing up for a race, only to get to the running part and have a major case of the Jan Bradys ("Marcia, Marcia, Marcia")?

My coach asked me why the run is the toughest part for me, and perhaps it is some of these negative thoughts I am having. This is going to sound awful, but I am going to go ahead and say it: I feel like everyone watching me is wondering, "what the heck is she doing here? She's no athlete?"

As I type these words, I realize that THIS needs to stop. I need to stop berating myself for not being perfect. It is kinda rude for me to think these thoughts about my body, considering it has put up with a lot of races and training and hasn't protested once to my abuse.

So, at tomorrow's race day, I vow to not compare myself to the 12% body fat woman gliding past me or feel smug when I pass a 24 year old on my bike. I am going to swim, bike and run my way into positive thoughts and find my center and all that jazz . As I am running, I will think to myself, "Jill you are a triathlete. And that is pretty awesome."
And I will kick it into high gear when I see that finish line, so I can hear the cheers of the spectators. They love a strong finish.

And so do I.